If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
