Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
