I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
