you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
