What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
