Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
