sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
