Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
