i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
