The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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