my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
What happened to fro yo and sex?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
