she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
