I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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