i think i have herpe
just one?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I need to calm my uterus...
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
