Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
