i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
