i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Hippo gnu deer
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
