this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I looked at my own cervix.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
