god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
