i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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