She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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