there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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