I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
