Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
