There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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