I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
