I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize
