i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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