dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
