maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The adults are the big ones right?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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