At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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