At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
