I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You may now shotgun with the bride
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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