Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
