You're a womanizer and a bitch.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
