i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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