Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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