I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Don't make out with my wife yet
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
