I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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