My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
