This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Drake has all the answers
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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