so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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