Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
