Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
