I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
