You smell like a Billy Joel song
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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