the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
