I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
