Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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