Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
